Tips by Age on Talking to your Kids about yet ANOTHER school shooting.
Parents are struggling with how to talk to their kids as the safety of the world becomes more unknown and the fear that it could happen anywhere becomes more of a reality. It can be tricky because kids do not perceive danger in the same way as adults (it is why kids are afraid of the dark or monsters and not strangers or crossing the street without looking) and often parents worry about freaking their kids out or giving them anxiety and avoid these difficult conversations.
- I have laid out a simple guide by age on some ideas to get you started as you navigate this with your kids. -
Pre-K and earlier.
Talk about Safety with your child. What does it feel like to be safe, and what to do if you are not safe? Have them identify trusted adults, and tell them what to do if they see something that “makes them wonder” or “makes your belly hurt”. Whatever language they give you for sensing danger you can mirror it and explore a plan to stay safe. I like to remind kids that the parent's job is to keep kids safe and give them “ideas on how to help” which usually includes letting parents know if something isn't right. Use developmentally appropriate language to model danger and safety.
Elementary School:
At this age kids start to make sense of their world and find a groove for a routine of what they like and don’t like and how to communicate needs. This is often when anxiety starts to increase because danger becomes more tangible, and risk is more understood. It is why you may see a 4-year-old jump off a swing but not a 7-year-old for example. It is important to never lie about safety but to be as honest as you can. Telling kids that the majority of the time they are safe at school. You can point out specifics, “The doors are always locked.” “You have a police officer there” “Your school knows what to do” and talking about how it is important to still protect themselves even if they are safe most of the time. That is why we have seatbelts in airplanes…it is the safest way to travel, but something still could happen so we need to buckle up.
Encourage your child to ask questions to school administrators about the plan the school has if there is a threat. They should be well informed, and often it is not knowing what causes anxiety and knowing that your school is equipped to handle these issues can be incredibly useful to manage anxiety.
Middle-School:
Start talking to kids about the dangers of guns, and if you have firearms in your home, gun safety. Talk to your kids about what to do if they see someone with a gun and how to know if this person is a threat or not. For example, someone with a handgun on their belt versus someone in public with a rifle and combat gear. It is important that kids at this age begin to understand that danger can happen, and how to be proactive in preventing it if possible. Talk about bullying, cyberstalking, signs that someone is dangerous, etc. Welcome discussions in your home. You do not want your kids to feel afraid to talk to you about these things and as anxiety-provoking as it is, it is important you stay consistent, and well-grounded in talking about these things. For example, a kid once told me he did not want to talk to his mom about his feelings because she “gets sad”. And while it is ok to show your child emotions, it is important to balance that with the safety they need to feel with you.
Talk to your child about social capital. That is the idea that we can keep each other safe by looking after one another. For example, kids eating alone at school or always being picked on, what is your family's philosophy on kindness toward others? If your child sees another child getting bullied or worries he may be getting hurt at home what do you expect them to do? Can they talk to you or someone else? Be a soft place to land for your child to explore these thoughts and ideas.
High School:
Begin to educate your kids on lobbying, political responsibility, and their role in society. Believe it or not, the Sandy Hook kids are graduating and although nothing has changed up until this point, there is not a generation of school kids that have not grown up hearing of multiple school shootings in a school year. Talk to them about what it would be like if it happened at their school, and how worried you are as a parent. Now that they are reaching the age of independence, talking about the responsibility of good mental health, and reducing any stigma or preconceived notions they have. Do you go to therapy? Do they ever struggle to talk about things and think about violence? Start to normalize their feelings around fear, and violence and seek help if needed.
